When To Disclose Your Trans Status To A Potential Romantic Partner

For a few years I have watched young Trans+ folks flock to the feet of the three media figures the media readily gives us access too; Laverne Cox, Janet Mock and Carmen Carrera to ask questions regarding disclosure and intimacy. Sure, we have other figures in pop culture like Caitlyn Jenner, but she’s built a Trump-Like wall around herself, both via her own counter-productive political actions and- more likely- to avoid further embarrassing herself. After we witnessed the debacle that was her reality series, no young Trans identifying people were going to Caitlyn for answers.

I remember watching Carrera do a facebook live video sitting on the floor with her friend as they casually spoke to viewers and someone asked; “When do I tell my boyfriend I’m Trans.” And her response left me absolutely astounded. “You don’t” She said. “It’s not his business.” Maybe she was being flip. Maybe she was being sarcastic. Who knows. When I called her on it, she both unfriended me and deleted the video.

Here’s the reality; Everyone is going to tell you something different. They’ll tell you how they do it, how their friends do it, or how they think you should do it having never lived your experience of having to do it at all. Lucky them.

I’m just going to share a little advice with one thing in mind: Your safety.

Your safety is paramount. You come first. Your dignity is not negotiable.

When I’m asked that question, and although I don’t have the profile of the illustrious aforementioned media figures, I say this; “Tell them immediately.”

If you’re just flirting harmlessly in a dive bar, there’s no harm in keeping your personal body design just that; personal. If they give you their number, take it. If someone you’re with expresses anything beyond benign flirtation or asks you on a date? Tell them. “Thanks for asking, It’s not going to be a problem that I’m trans, is it? Just double checking.” It’s an innocuous question. It isn’t springing something on them over dinner- sadly I know of trans people who have been on dates and casually disclosed over the main course only to find their partner for the evening excuse themselves to the restroom never to return.