Maybe it’s just me, but I always thought of Bisexuals and Pansexuals as perhaps the most sexually evolved of our species. They aren’t obsessed with or distracted by genitals. They don’t hyperfocus on gender roles and instead see beyond the gender exterior and base their attraction on an individual’s quality of character. For these people, sex is secondary, and not the primary pursuit.
Do they make me laugh? Do I enjoy spending time with them? Do I look forward to seeing them each day? Do we share commonalities? Are they intellectually stimulating?
These things usually determine whether or not a Bisexual or Pansexual becomes sexually attracted to another individual, be they male or female, their gender is, allegedly, largely irrelevant. Personally, I believe sexuality is more fluid. Yet men, due to toxic masculinity, will rarely ever admit that fact. For men, there is a heavy psychological price to pay for finding themselves attracted to another man, even if the other man embodies femininity. It doesn’t make them, a masculine man, gay, if they find themselves attracted to a feminine male. Sexuality isn’t as much about genitals as it is about the yin and the yang- The Masculine and the Feminine. Men who suffer from toxic masculinity cannot see past genitals, and when they do, it usually results in that individual withdrawing from the other party, being cruel to them in order to assert their heterosexuality, or, in worst case scenarios, becoming violent toward them. Society has forced men to exist in a very small box. There is no room for movement. They must be steadfast and committed to their overt, often overcompensation of their Cisgender heterosexual preferences. It validates their position in society as a “Man’s man” or as I call them, a “Dude-Bro.”
But, even Bisexual men and woman, as evolved as they are to see beyond the physical exterior, often reject the idea of dating a Transgender man or woman. As much as I’m lauding Bisexuals, it should be noted that studies show over 80% of them traditionally end up in Male/Female relationships. Perhaps it’s because of the inherent fear of the stigma associated with being labelled gay, or the trendiness of calling oneself Bisexual just appears so progressive. The fact is, most people who claim to be bisexual almost never end up in same sex relationships- and, commonly, they end up in heterosexual relationships, but will open it up sexually to occasional third parties they invite into the bedroom. I know some women who allow their boyfriends/husbands to solicit encounters from same sex partners on hook-up apps. They usually have rules of respect, such as open lines communication, telling each other their intent, and agreeing upon a liaison whether or not the other partner is included in the act. I, myself, have been invited by Men to have sex with them- often they are the boyfriends/husbands of women I know and consider friends. Not my cup of tea. Too complicated. But, I’m not judgmental. For some heterosexual couples, these extramarital or trysts outside the relationship keep temptations controlled, but adequately satiated. It takes someone who is pretty secure and deeply trusting to do this… of which I am neither.
Some Men love to date bisexual women and will encourage her to invite other women into the bedroom while he watches or participates. It’s exclusively for his pleasure as a heterosexual man. Actually, most guys will proudly admit that it’s a popular boyhood fantasy. Those men who have experienced this love to brag about it. Sure, it objectifies women and fetishizes lesbian sex as an event specifically for male entertainment, but if the women consent, it’s their business, regardless of others opinions.
I have spoken to Bi couples- mostly where one party within the relationship is Bisexual, or both are but in a straight relationship together (It’s very hard to find a same-sex Bisexual couple.) and they usually tell me the same thing about their partner’s same-sex pursuits. Recently I spoke to a bisexual woman in an open, straight relationship with a Bisexual man, who explained it to me like this:
“They (A same sex partner) can’t give him what I can; they don’t have the parts I do, so I’m not threatened. I’d find it more threatening if he were with someone else of the opposite sex; Another woman. Then I’d find that problematic and get a little jealous, like, is she better at it than me? Is she prettier than me? Does she do things I won’t do? Did he enjoy it more with her? But when it’s with anther man, I know it’s a hook-up. There’s no emotional context. I know I fulfill a sexual need he has that a man can’t provide. There isn’t that sense of competition or paranoid comparison.”
However, in all this crisscrossing of sex, sexuality, diversified relationships and gender roles, the vast majority of these people have a very firm “No Trans Policy.” Men will have sex with other Men, Women will have sex with other women, sometimes while single, sometimes while in relationships, but the exclusion of Transpeople is always a common theme.
Bizarrely, it places Transgender men and women on the fringes of sexual society. Gay men don’t want to have sex with Transwomen, clearly, because they’re feminine, regardless of genitals. Straight men will sometimes have sexual encounters with Transwomen, but usually under circumstances of extreme discretion for fear of being classified as gay, and they most certainly would never entertain a relationship with a Transwoman or Transman. Instead, they see them as sexual taboos. Oddities or curiosities.
There are more lesbians who would entertain a relationship with a Transwoman than there are Men who would. Women tend to be more sexually liberated and emotionally accessible. Women are far more capable of looking past the body and into the eyes of a prospective lover. They simply do not prioritize the act of sex over the emotional satisfaction of a compatible partner. While not always the case, the percentage of women willing to date someone who is Trans far exceeds that of typical men, straight or bisexual. Even still, that percentage of Lesbians who are open to dating a Transwoman, while larger than men, is still small compared to other Lesbians who simply don’t see a Transwoman as a viable option. Sometimes, they still see them as a man due to their genitals, past or current. But even still, not yet completely a man, because more lesbian women have confessed to experimenting sexually with men, while the majority- almost all, have never and would never with a Transwoman.
So, most of the time, without Transwomen having access to dating gay men, lesbians, bisexuals, and relegated to the shadows by the straight men looking to fulfill some porn hub fantasy, where does that leave us? Sexless spinsters whose sole purpose is to confuse the hell out of the rest of society, regardless of sexual preference? Rejected because our bodies do no not often align with our presentation and therefore, we’re alienated entirely from exhibiting a sexual desire or being a sexual human? Being the object of sexual desire is not problem; I have a phone full of people who are asking to be “Friends with Benefits” or are “Married but curious” or “Straight looking for TV/TG/TS” — TV being a Transvestite, not the mechanism on which you watch Supernatural reruns and salivate over Jenson Ackles. Suffice it to say, a Transwoman is not a Transvestite. A Transvestite is a CISgender male who dresses as a woman for sexual gratification. It turns them on to wear women’s undergarments and clothing. They hypersexualize their appearance; A Transwoman presents as the gender they are in spite of their birth assigned gender. It has nothing to do with sex, it is not in pursuit of achieving sex. It is not solely to turn themselves on sexually. They are women. They don’t disrobe, like Transvestites do, and put on a suit and tie on Monday after spending Saturday night in heels, and go sell car insurance as a male.
There are thousands of articles on the topic of why some women refuse to date Bisexual men. Lamenting for the poor bisexual men who are not afforded the attention of a minority of women. None bothers asking why no one will date Transwomen without an predetermined sexual agenda. No one is asking about, or even reaching to imagine how difficult it is for a Trans individual to find a meaningful, mature, fulfilling relationship while having to navigate all of these rules and obstacles of human sexuality that excludes them. Most surprising to me is who one might consider most naturally accessible to Transmen and Transwomen, the Bisexual community, is actually as casually unwavering about their No-Trans law as heterosexuals and gays are. They will not say it is discrimination, but will admit, “It’s not our preference.” One straight man actually pondered whether or not he was a bigot for “Not wanting to screw Transwomen.” Classy.
That’s not to say this is always the case. I know a few gender fluid or transwomen in perfectly healthy, stable relationships with straight men. I even know of some women in lesbian relationships with Transwomen, and they’re absolutely content. Unfortunately, it’s a “Results not typical” scenario. Most Transwomen lead lives relegated to the ranks of a dirty secret, or used like a dirty sock and thrown away, thus, they opt out of entering the frey of relationship seeking.
For most Transwoman and Transmen, we usually end up reported for harassment on Tinder just for being there, and Plenty of Fish is a myth.