Men With Kinks Use Trans Women as Safe Spaces

Phaylen Fairchild
6 min readMar 21, 2021

It wasn’t long after I began dating Jack that he disappeared one evening into the bathroom and emerged in lingerie.

He stood before me proudly, a crooked grin across his face as I stared at him speechless. It took me by surprise, to say the least, to see him doused in pink colored lace and satin when it contradicted everything he had represented himself as throughout the short period we dated.

I believe strongly in acceptance; Of breaking the construct of gender rules and living fearlessly, but I also believe in honesty and full disclosure when embarking on a shared journey. I never keep the fact that I am transgender a secret, nor do I casually omit the fact that I am transgender in spite of the probability that it will be a deciding factor in whether someone wants to invest in me romantically. I realized long ago that I must accept that my Transness will never be moot to a partner- not because it’s a problem for them necessarily, but because the world beyond my own small one makes it problematic for me. We can’t pretend it isn’t a political issue or that some people- many in fact- will loathe me on the basis of my gender alone. We won’t ever have a moment so comfortable that I’m allowed to forget that I must take the temperature of every strange place I enter or social gathering I attend to ensure my personal safety. He will hear remarks on my person. “I could tell that was a guy.”

“Does she still have a dick?”

“I didn’t know you were gay.”

He will experience the consequence of choosing me- and this alone is why so many men don’t.

But this is about the men that do, and the disproportionate amount of them that have revealed their own latent gender issues, sometimes situated solely in sexual fetishism and sometimes actually being transgender themselves.

Jack wouldn’t be the first or the last who would spring something like this on me. I’ve dated many men who would make some unprovoked, out-of-left-field drunken confession; “I wore my Mother’s panties once, and I liked it.” Another gentleman I dated briefly who had three children and as many ex-girlfriends asked me if I would have sex with him while he wore a school-girl uniform. I asked him if he had made the same request of his pervious…



Phaylen Fairchild

Actor, Filmmaker, LGBTQ+ & Women’s Rights Activist All work copyright